UNBELIEVABLE, BUT A TRUE STORY

This happened probably in the mid 50’s.  May be a little earlier also.  I don’t know the year.  It happened somewhere in Andhra Pradesh.

Till 60’s many Brahmins in the Telugu region followed the tradition of getting their daughters married when they were very young, before they attained puberty.  Sometimes the marriage was between cousins, sometimes between distant relatives, sometimes neighbours or between persons from the same social circle.  The young brides continued to stay in their maternal homes even after marriage and the bride and groom visited each others’ homes occasionally during festivals or functions.  Cohabitation started when the bride was around 15 or 16 year old.  While many such marriages worked, there were also cases of families fighting after the marriage and treating the marriage null and void; there were grooms who after completing education, refusing to accept the bride as a partner; some families moved out of the village or town in search of greener pastures and lost ties with the other party.  Every village had abandoned young wives, wishing and praying that her prince charming would change his mind and take her to the matrimonial home.  There was no legal protection for such marriages.

I don’t know her name.  Let it be Annapoorna.  Annapoorna got married when she was around 8 years old.  Her husband probably was 11 or 12.  Her parents were poor.  So were her in-laws.  Soon after her wedding, she went with the groom’s family to their house, spent three days with them as per tradition and returned to her parent’s house.  For some reasons, neither of the families visited each other, even during festivals or celebrations after the wedding.  After a few years when Annapoorna was considered old enough to start a life with her husband and when her parents tried to send her to her matrimonial home, they came to know that her husband had left home soon after the wedding and never returned home.  They heard rumours that he had turned ascetic and was spotted in the Himalayas.  Annapoorna was left with no other option, but to remain with her parents and looking forward for a miracle to happen.

Years passed.  When Annapoorna was around 18 or 19, on a fine morning when her father opened the main door of their house, he found a young man sleeping on the porch.  He woke up the stranger to find out who he was and when the stranger got up; the father screamed with excitement “our son-in-law is back”. The entire household got into a festive mood.  The guy was too weak and also too reserved to interact.  Everyone knew that the son-in-law was an introvert.  Though Annapoorna and her family members wanted to ask him several questions, they refrained from doing so as they were afraid that he would leave home again.  They pampered him and made him feel very special.  Annapoorna’s parents didn’t wait to meet her in-laws to discuss the future course of action.  They wanted to hold the son-in-law back at any cost and Annapoorna was encouraged to start a life with him immediately.

Everyone at home was happy and then there was a festival.  The young couple were advised to perform a pooja and at the beginning of the pooja, as was customary, when the son-in-law started reciting pravara (a person’s descent from a rishi (sage) who belong to their gotra (clan)) did Annapoorna’s father realize the fact that this person is not his long lost son-in-law.  In their excitement, the entire family was so optimistic, that they failed to verify if the person they were assuming to be the son-in-law was actually the one.

At that stage, they learnt that this person (certainly not to be referred to as a gentleman) was unmarried, poor, lost his parents and had a modest income.  He came to visit a relative in a neighbouring village and missed the last bus.  With an intention to reach the nearest town, he started walking and lost his way and since was very tired, slept on the porch.

There was nothing Annapoorna’s parents could do.  He has been with them for almost a week.  They were in a dilemma only for a few minutes.  There was no way they can trace the real son-in-law.  Also, they have told all their neighbours that their son-in-law in back.  This man too had no encumbrances and so, they decided to send their daughter with him.

The couple had a happy life together.  He got a soul mate when he was finding it difficult to get a wife because of his humble background and she, if not for him would have languished in the village.

This story was narrated to us by our neighbor during one of the evening chat sessions he had in our garden as the couple walked past our gate.  They were his tenant’s guests.

CONFESSION

Last year, around the same time, I did a course in Hospital Management.  On the last day of our class, one of the classmates had written a poetry describing every student of the class with suitable adjectives.  In the poem, he described me as “endrum seradha Charusree” which means, that I generally don’t mingle.  Someone perceiving me thus, was a rude shock to me. He used positive adjectives for everyone else. I always felt I am a very amicable and social person.

I had these classes in the weekends and in addition to my regular job, I was doing programmes for the local radio on Sundays (I do them even now).  These in addition to my domestic responsibilities, kept me fully occupied.  I was so tired I preferred to relax in my seat with a cup of coffee during the class intervals, instead of chatting and giggling at silly jokes, in the corridor.  Also, after the class, I never stayed back to speak to the teacher or interact with other classmates, as I had a radio programme scheduled for the next morning.  Probably, this is what made them jump into such a conclusion.

I first heard of the term “Friendship Overload” while I was doing a course in Advanced English at the British Council.  It was mentioned in the study material.  To be honest, I couldn’t comprehend it then.  But, I am able to now.

Every now and then, there is a get-together, reunion, function or a wedding.  My mother complains that I am always busy socializing and I have very little time for my parents.  My colleagues too started asking me “where is the party tonight?”  Though basically I am a People Oriented Person, I should be honest, I am very tired these days and when someone mentions a “get-together”, my spontaneous reply is “please exclude me”.  There is always some pending work or social obligations.

My best friend is back in Chennai after many years and he is surprised that I haven’t bothered to either meet him or invite him home.  I was very different earlier.  Even during his brief visits, I made it a point that we met either at our house or at a coffee shop or on a few occasions, in my office.

I am afraid, I am slowly becoming a workaholic and true to the description by my classmate, becoming “seradha Charusree”.

GODDESSES OF WEALTH

“Aadadani chethilo artham, magavani chethilo bidda dakkavu” is an oft quoted Telugu proverb, which can be loosely translated as “money in the hands of woman and a child in the hands of a man, don’t survive”.  Though I personally feel, gender has nothing to do with financial management, there are many women, who prove otherwise.

Last week, I read the news that a lady in Bengaluru committed suicide after losing Rs.11 Lakhs (1.1 million) to a fraudster.  This lady had received either a message or a mail from a New Delhi based fraudster that she had won 45 Lakhs in a lottery.  Trusting the news, she had given him her bank details without her family members’ knowledge.  After winning over her confidence, the fraudster made her transfer several lakhs of rupees to various accounts citing legal obstacles.  It took a while for her to realise that she had been cheated and when she realised, she could not cope and after a failed suicide attempt, died.  She is not an illiterate.  She is not poor.  Apparently, she is one, who enjoyed financial independence.  Still, her end is sad.

An acquaintance of mine once requested me to accompany her to her friend’s house to collect money her friend had borrowed and was reluctant to return.  Though her income is modest, her husband earns well and he gave her full freedom to manage the money.  She secretly lent huge money without considering the risk factors. I don’t know how much exactly she lent, but she didn’t get back any money.

In the 60’s much before I was born, wife of a popular Telugu actor had mocked a theft at home and sold her jewels through her friend, to support her parents financially.  Though an FIR was registered, since it was a job of the insider, nothing could be done.  Probably, the husband would also have come to know of it, but how he handled it is not known.  This lady was neither educated, nor employed.  Though her husband was rich, she didn’t have any access to money.

We had a relative, who had no financial discipline.  She never planned her expenditure, as a result of which, there was always a shortage of money. She borrowed from neighbours and relatives often and sometimes, when they were unable to fund, she would pledge her jewels through her maid servant for paltry amount and almost lost all her jewellery, as she didn’t keep track of the transactions and also could not repay to claim them.  Most of her relatives and neighbours believed that her maid servant was lending her money or she was claiming the jewels by repaying the loans.

A decade ago, while I was in office, I received a call from a colleague’s wife.  She told me that she was in deep trouble and wanted me to lend her a couple of thousands.  When I wanted to know the reason, she said that she had pledged her jewels to buy gifts for her niece’s wedding, without her husband’s knowledge and permission and since there was a wedding in the family, she had to reclaim the jewels, before anyone finds this.  She promised she would return my money in two or three instalments without fail at the earliest.  I didn’t have that money.  I neither had a debit/credit card not had net banking facility then.  Since she was in a great hurry, I borrowed money from another colleague for the first time in my life and gave it to her.  She could not return the money as promised.  After a few months, in the absence of the receptionist, when I picked up a call from her, she cried inconsolably and apologised for not having kept up her promise and said she was in deep trouble and that she was contemplating suicide.  I felt very sad and told her that I was writing off that loan and requested her to discuss with her husband.  I offered to speak to her husband on her behalf as she was very hesitant, but she said she would manage it herself and again sought a promise from me that I wouldn’t discuss this issue with her husband.  After a few months, I learnt from some of my other colleagues that it was her modus operandi and month after month, she was approaching all our colleagues one by one.  I felt, her husband should be informed about it, before the issue becomes too big for them to handle.  After several rehearsals, I spoke to him.  He was not surprised or shocked as I anticipated.  He was very upset that his wife was exposed and immediately returned the money given by me and my colleagues.  Apparently, this lady was a guarantor for a loan borrowed by her neighbour and since the neighbour had defaulted repayment, she had to repay as a guarantor. 

A relative of ours had literally lost her house by organizing a chit fund.  She operated it without any registration and probably illegally.  Some of those, who drew the money from the chits did not pay and she had to repay to all other members and with no money left, she sold her only house for repaying.

I have heard of women who sell their ornaments to buy expensive clothes and accessories. There are also some employed women, who spend all their earnings on clothes, gadgets, accessories and personal care and force husbands to shoulder all the household expenses and feel proud that they are reducing the husband’s burden to an extent. I have read about women, who note down the pin numbers on their debit/credit cards and have lost a lot of money when they have lost their cards. I have heard of women, who lost their valuables while picking up a currency note dropped by the thieves. 

There are educated women, who don’t distinguish between a cheque and a DD. There are many women, who have absolutely no knowledge of taxation rules/benefits.

Is it not time women get familiarized with all this?

It is absolutely wrong to generalize that, women are incapable of handling finances.  The common factor in the lives of most of the wealthy men is that their finances are manged by their women (mothers/wives).  I have also seen some illiterate women, who handle their money well and have created wealth.

Many Banks and NBFCs in India are headed by women and may be our next RBI Governor could be a woman!

Financial discipline has nothing to do with gender.  Primarily, people should understand that there are no shortcuts.  They should learn to live within their means, save, invest and keep updating about the market conditions and State Polices and general trends. 

There certainly needs to be a complete transparency between the couples and they should set limits for their independent expenditure.  They should get into an arrangement where any expenditure, investment or surety beyond their independent limit should be made known to each other and a decision is taken only after a debate.  This kind of partnership will reduce chances of losing money by either of them.

It is time, women make proverbs like the one quoted, redundant.