In the two organizations I have worked till date, the lunch sessions are mostly separate for women and men. We girls get complete privacy and all of us get into a festive mood, the moment the lunch session starts. We share food, discuss recipes, crack jokes, plan work, exchange ideas, console each other in times of crises etc. Despite all this, some times I feel out of place, particularly when my friends start discussing their in-laws; the “mother-in-law” and “sister-in-law”.
My grandmother died much before I was born and so I have never seen my mother complaining, about my grandmother. I have seen maid servants in the neighbourhood using foul language and cursing their husbands and in-laws hysterically and always thought that such behaviour was associated with that class. Alas! I was mistaken. As my friends started getting married and they settled in their new homes, I started seeing a different picture. Irrespective of the educational background, financial status or upbringing, the disposition of all the girls when it comes to their in-laws is the same. Initially, I thought the person cribbing was really being harassed, resulting in her emotional outburst and I remained a mute spectator, sympathizing with her and not knowing how to offer a solution. Over a period of time, I started feeling that all these ladies are going a little overboard and started to look deeper into the problem.
My observations are;
Ø Women don’t relate to their husband’s home. Though they live physically with their husbands, they mentally continue to live with their parents. Their umbilical cord is yet to be cut and have no sense of belonging with their new home.
Ø Refuse to graduate from the honeymoon stage and expect the same kind of pampering from their husbands throughout.
Ø Play control games with inputs from mothers, sisters and like minded friends.
Ø Magnify or exaggerate and manipulate problems based on others’ experiences.
Ø No value for privacy. Thanks to technology, discuss every happening with mothers, sisters and friends, leading to misunderstanding with the spouse.
Ø Love has become more conditional resulting in disappearance of the magic in love.
The four major components of a marital relationship are 1) Trust 2) Bonding 3) Love and 4) Intimacy and one leads to another in the same order and it is mutual and both partners are responsible to nurture the relationship. When one lags behind, the other has got to stretch to maintain the balance and there lies the secret to the success of a marriage.
No respectable man would like his wife insulting his parents or his other family members and that too for not a serious reason. This will slowly result in him losing trust in his wife and the bond weakens and the love disappears and the intimacy ends. Though I have expressed it in a very curt manner, this is the cycle of decline of a relationship.
Whenever I advice, my friends say being single, I have no moral right to advice them and if at all I am desperate to advice, I should do it as a married woman. My best buddy at work says that if I happen to marry, I would die on the same night of my wedding (please don’t read between lines) as she feels that my stress threshold is low.
Let me tell you, life is a struggle, irrespective of the marital status. I continue to live with my parents and I face almost all problems the other married women face at home. When I face problems; I express, I discuss, I explain, I argue, I fight, I protest and at times withdraw. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I compromise. But the difference is, I don’t bitch about my parents and continue to love them and discharge my responsibilities towards them.
Sorry my friends, I know you would all be upset to read this. But this is what I feel about the problem. I don’t want you to think that I am a traditionalist and I am advocating a stereotypical role for women. No. You have every right to stick to your maiden surname, not to wear traditional symbols of marriage, not to move out of your parents’ home or to stay away from your in-laws or to maintain a separate bank account or manage your time or whatever you want to do. But for heaven’s sake, please love and respect your partner and stop bitching. When you face problems, handle them.
Let me share a secret with you! All boys stop interacting with their parents by the time they are out of school and start giving importance to them only after the marriage and that too after seeing the wife giving importance to her parents. When women start bitching about the in-laws, the men’s ego gets hurt and they start giving undue importance to their own parents. Moral of the story; your bad behaviour results in more respect for your in-laws!
A note to men: You are transplanting a fully grown adult from a familiar and comfortable territory to a foreign territory and it is your responsibility to induct her into a new life. She is your better half and please don’t leave her to your parents. Remember, she is in your home because of you.
The marriage laws in India
Life is precious – enjoy it to the fullest!
