Recently, a friend of mine had expressed her sadness about a member of her extended family gifting a mediocre saree, while gifting all other members, expensive silk sarees. She was not sad about the gift, it wasn’t about the cost, but the intent, that has hurt her the most. When she shared this information with our friends’ group, everyone tried to pacify her; either by sharing their own similar experiences or by advising her to ignore and move on. I too advised her not to get upset about the episode and quoted; “Pain is Inevitable, suffering is optional”. My friend suggested I write about this in my blog and here it is.
All of us go through some form of insults from people around us all the time. While we are able to come to terms with failure and disappointments easily, we find handling insults from the fellow human beings tough. We silently suffer from bitterness and eventually get into a vicious cycle of “hurt-hate-hurt”. Whenever we advise, people feel, “it is easier said than done”.
Many years ago, when I was in my early 30’s, a colleague of mine was engaged. I was very friendly with her and I knew all her difficulties and anxieties. Her marriage date was fixed and she was running from pillar to post organizing money for the wedding. I wanted to gift her something significant, so that her burden was eased to a certain extent. Some more colleagues also thought so and we all pooled money and asked her what she wanted for her wedding. The money we collected was good enough to take care of some major expense of her wedding and she opted to buy three or four silk sarees with that. A senior person in the team handed over the cash to me and advised me to accompany her to a saree showroom and get sarees of her choice. When I was getting ready to leave, she told me that she had to check with her elders about the auspicious day and time for buying wedding sarees. I then felt that handing over the cash to her would be a better idea than going with her to the shop. But the senior who took this initiative was against the idea. He felt that she would look at this more as a fund-raising than a gift and also, he was not sure that money would be spent by her family only for this purpose and since I was the only lady in that team, I was entrusted with this assignment.
On the auspicious day, as planned, I and my friend went to a shop for buying the sarees. Enroute, my friend told me that her sisters too would come. When we reached the shop, there were some of her other relatives in addition to her sisters. I knew her sisters already and they received me very warmly. I was introduced to the other relatives and a lady (her aunt) scanned me from head to toe and asked me point blank, “are you married?” When I replied, she whispered to my friend with a frown on her face “ivala yellam endi alshindu vandhey?” meaning – “why have you brought her here?” which I could hear, much to everyone’s embarrassment. My friend with a good presence of mind told her that, the shopkeeper was known to me and that I was getting the sarees at a discounted price. We in fact chose that shop knowing well that there was a discount campaign going on . Though my friend promptly apologized, I was shocked, hurt and angry. I generally don’t express my anger or sadness to the people around and maintain composure.
To give privacy to my friend’s family, I sat on a stool offered by the shopkeeper, away from them and gazed at the stocks in the shop. It wasn’t a big shop and I could still see them and hear their conversations clearly. I didn’t want to look indifferent and so every now and then, I also looked at them. I could hear the Aunt cribbing about lack of good collection of sarees and saw her giving me sharp looks every now and then. I was very angry. Angry with that Aunt who was so rude. Angry with the gentleman in my office who insisted that I go and buy the sarees. Angry with my friend for not informing me that so many of her relatives would assemble and also for not letting them know that her colleagues were spending for that. Though I felt like crying, I didn’t shed even a tear. I knew all the problems my friend was going through and I didn’t want to create more trouble to her. Also I knew that nobody there would empathize with me. Instead, their preconceived notion that spinsters are sad persons and that they spread negativity would be justified. I didn’t want that. However much I tried, I could not concentrate on anything else. Every second, that Aunt’s voice was ringing in my ears and her angry face flashing before my eyes. I was unable to cope with my sadness and anger. I thought of some of the possibilities to vent out my feelings.
Sharing with my family members:
My parents and my siblings would be more sad and depressed to learn this. They would reprimand me for excessive spending. Also, they would end up hurting either my friend or her family members, when they come home to invite for the wedding.
Sharing with my colleagues:
The gentleman who sent me to buy the sarees would shout at my friend to express support to me and in my absence, say something sarcastic or ridiculous about me, to pacify her.
Another lady would be sad that such a support wasn’t provided during her wedding.
Some persons would feel insulted that they were not consulted and included in this plan.
Some would accuse that because the bride was a Brahmin, the gang of Brahmins were extending extra support to her. (Coincidentally, many in that team were Brahmins)
Some might go and tell my friend, things I have not said about her.
Some might fight a proxy war, using this opportunity.
Some of those who have made this extra contribution would not have wanted to, but due to peer pressure would have and they would use this as an opportunity to never contribute in future.
The management was very strict and would have objected to this secret activity.
Everyone would have had an agenda and nobody would have been able to reduce my pain.
I wasn’t in touch with any of my childhood friends then and I didn’t have any outlet.
I remembered something I read earlier. Just the way, material things remain with the giver, when we refuse to take, hurt and insults too remain with him/her when we do not accept it. I kept telling this to me and it didn’t work. I wondered why she wanted to know if I am married or not and what difference will my answer make to her! I just then remembered a scene from the Tamil film “Kudumbam Oru Kadhambam” in which, Visu when asked if he had eaten, gives a reply in all permutations-combinations viz., “what if I have not eaten, what if I have eaten? What if I have eaten and say I have not, what if I have not eaten and say I have eaten, what if I have not eaten and also say I have not eaten” etc., leaving the other person confused and irritated. I imagined a similar reply to the Aunt’s question and within seconds, I was grinning inside. I was back to my normal mood. The Aunt was all the more irritated to see me cheerful and I liked it and I decided, that’s how I am going to be.
Why do people hurt others? I started to analyze. The reasons can be broadly classified into:
JEALOUSY : When people are unable to handle their jealousness, insulting or hurting others becomes their defence mechanism to cope with their problem.
PREJUDICIES: All human beings are prejudiced. It is very difficult to find one who is not. Common prejudices are gender, religion, region, social and financial strata, language, complexion etc. Also, we have to live with the fact that not everyone would like us. As Richard Carlson mentions in his book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, “even in a landslide victory in which a candidate secures 55 percent of the vote, he or she is left with 45 percent of the population that wishes someone else were the winner.”
POSSESSIVENESS: Some people have the desire to control or dominate and would want the whole attention. When their desire is not fulfilled or experience resistance, they cause hurt.
INNOCENCE OR STUPIDITY: There are many people, who are not at all thoughtful and do not realize that their words or actions cause hurt to others.
REACTION/RESPONSE TO AN EARLIER ACTION: Most of the times, hurt is caused as a revenge for an earlier action of ours or our family member or an associate. It would have been unintentional, but might have caused pain and the present hurt is to settle scores.
The analysis is certainly essential, as in the first few categories, ignoring the hurt itself would be helpful, but in the last case, some corrective action from our side is required to break the vicious circle.
When I now analyse why that Aunt behaved so badly that day, I feel, she too would have helped my friend financially, but would not have got the respect she expected. She might have expected my friend to consult her before deciding on the shop. She might have felt that I am in a way responsible for my friend’s empowerment or was jealous about the importance my friend’s family was giving me. Whatever be the reason, I opted not to suffer.
People generally say, to have peace of mind, one has to forget and forgive. I cannot forget things easily. I have a photographic memory and I don’t believe in forgiving also. Everything gets recorded. But, over these years, I have developed immunity to bad behavior and personal attacks and people around me know well that I cannot be intimidated. Whenever someone insults me and I have little control over their action, I keep telling myself “pain in inevitable, suffering is optional. Don’t suffer” and liberate myself from suffering. Nobody can liberate us, as long as we don’t liberate ourselves.
My friend Murali says, “only hunger and illness are the real pains and except them, everything else is imaginary. “ I am yet become so dispassionate!
All of us go through some form of insults from people around us all the time. While we are able to come to terms with failure and disappointments easily, we find handling insults from the fellow human beings tough. We silently suffer from bitterness and eventually get into a vicious cycle of “hurt-hate-hurt”. Whenever we advise, people feel, “it is easier said than done”.
Many years ago, when I was in my early 30’s, a colleague of mine was engaged. I was very friendly with her and I knew all her difficulties and anxieties. Her marriage date was fixed and she was running from pillar to post organizing money for the wedding. I wanted to gift her something significant, so that her burden was eased to a certain extent. Some more colleagues also thought so and we all pooled money and asked her what she wanted for her wedding. The money we collected was good enough to take care of some major expense of her wedding and she opted to buy three or four silk sarees with that. A senior person in the team handed over the cash to me and advised me to accompany her to a saree showroom and get sarees of her choice. When I was getting ready to leave, she told me that she had to check with her elders about the auspicious day and time for buying wedding sarees. I then felt that handing over the cash to her would be a better idea than going with her to the shop. But the senior who took this initiative was against the idea. He felt that she would look at this more as a fund-raising than a gift and also, he was not sure that money would be spent by her family only for this purpose and since I was the only lady in that team, I was entrusted with this assignment.
On the auspicious day, as planned, I and my friend went to a shop for buying the sarees. Enroute, my friend told me that her sisters too would come. When we reached the shop, there were some of her other relatives in addition to her sisters. I knew her sisters already and they received me very warmly. I was introduced to the other relatives and a lady (her aunt) scanned me from head to toe and asked me point blank, “are you married?” When I replied, she whispered to my friend with a frown on her face “ivala yellam endi alshindu vandhey?” meaning – “why have you brought her here?” which I could hear, much to everyone’s embarrassment. My friend with a good presence of mind told her that, the shopkeeper was known to me and that I was getting the sarees at a discounted price. We in fact chose that shop knowing well that there was a discount campaign going on . Though my friend promptly apologized, I was shocked, hurt and angry. I generally don’t express my anger or sadness to the people around and maintain composure.
To give privacy to my friend’s family, I sat on a stool offered by the shopkeeper, away from them and gazed at the stocks in the shop. It wasn’t a big shop and I could still see them and hear their conversations clearly. I didn’t want to look indifferent and so every now and then, I also looked at them. I could hear the Aunt cribbing about lack of good collection of sarees and saw her giving me sharp looks every now and then. I was very angry. Angry with that Aunt who was so rude. Angry with the gentleman in my office who insisted that I go and buy the sarees. Angry with my friend for not informing me that so many of her relatives would assemble and also for not letting them know that her colleagues were spending for that. Though I felt like crying, I didn’t shed even a tear. I knew all the problems my friend was going through and I didn’t want to create more trouble to her. Also I knew that nobody there would empathize with me. Instead, their preconceived notion that spinsters are sad persons and that they spread negativity would be justified. I didn’t want that. However much I tried, I could not concentrate on anything else. Every second, that Aunt’s voice was ringing in my ears and her angry face flashing before my eyes. I was unable to cope with my sadness and anger. I thought of some of the possibilities to vent out my feelings.
Sharing with my family members:
My parents and my siblings would be more sad and depressed to learn this. They would reprimand me for excessive spending. Also, they would end up hurting either my friend or her family members, when they come home to invite for the wedding.
Sharing with my colleagues:
The gentleman who sent me to buy the sarees would shout at my friend to express support to me and in my absence, say something sarcastic or ridiculous about me, to pacify her.
Another lady would be sad that such a support wasn’t provided during her wedding.
Some persons would feel insulted that they were not consulted and included in this plan.
Some would accuse that because the bride was a Brahmin, the gang of Brahmins were extending extra support to her. (Coincidentally, many in that team were Brahmins)
Some might go and tell my friend, things I have not said about her.
Some might fight a proxy war, using this opportunity.
Some of those who have made this extra contribution would not have wanted to, but due to peer pressure would have and they would use this as an opportunity to never contribute in future.
The management was very strict and would have objected to this secret activity.
Everyone would have had an agenda and nobody would have been able to reduce my pain.
I wasn’t in touch with any of my childhood friends then and I didn’t have any outlet.
I remembered something I read earlier. Just the way, material things remain with the giver, when we refuse to take, hurt and insults too remain with him/her when we do not accept it. I kept telling this to me and it didn’t work. I wondered why she wanted to know if I am married or not and what difference will my answer make to her! I just then remembered a scene from the Tamil film “Kudumbam Oru Kadhambam” in which, Visu when asked if he had eaten, gives a reply in all permutations-combinations viz., “what if I have not eaten, what if I have eaten? What if I have eaten and say I have not, what if I have not eaten and say I have eaten, what if I have not eaten and also say I have not eaten” etc., leaving the other person confused and irritated. I imagined a similar reply to the Aunt’s question and within seconds, I was grinning inside. I was back to my normal mood. The Aunt was all the more irritated to see me cheerful and I liked it and I decided, that’s how I am going to be.
Why do people hurt others? I started to analyze. The reasons can be broadly classified into:
JEALOUSY : When people are unable to handle their jealousness, insulting or hurting others becomes their defence mechanism to cope with their problem.
PREJUDICIES: All human beings are prejudiced. It is very difficult to find one who is not. Common prejudices are gender, religion, region, social and financial strata, language, complexion etc. Also, we have to live with the fact that not everyone would like us. As Richard Carlson mentions in his book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, “even in a landslide victory in which a candidate secures 55 percent of the vote, he or she is left with 45 percent of the population that wishes someone else were the winner.”
POSSESSIVENESS: Some people have the desire to control or dominate and would want the whole attention. When their desire is not fulfilled or experience resistance, they cause hurt.
INNOCENCE OR STUPIDITY: There are many people, who are not at all thoughtful and do not realize that their words or actions cause hurt to others.
REACTION/RESPONSE TO AN EARLIER ACTION: Most of the times, hurt is caused as a revenge for an earlier action of ours or our family member or an associate. It would have been unintentional, but might have caused pain and the present hurt is to settle scores.
The analysis is certainly essential, as in the first few categories, ignoring the hurt itself would be helpful, but in the last case, some corrective action from our side is required to break the vicious circle.
When I now analyse why that Aunt behaved so badly that day, I feel, she too would have helped my friend financially, but would not have got the respect she expected. She might have expected my friend to consult her before deciding on the shop. She might have felt that I am in a way responsible for my friend’s empowerment or was jealous about the importance my friend’s family was giving me. Whatever be the reason, I opted not to suffer.
People generally say, to have peace of mind, one has to forget and forgive. I cannot forget things easily. I have a photographic memory and I don’t believe in forgiving also. Everything gets recorded. But, over these years, I have developed immunity to bad behavior and personal attacks and people around me know well that I cannot be intimidated. Whenever someone insults me and I have little control over their action, I keep telling myself “pain in inevitable, suffering is optional. Don’t suffer” and liberate myself from suffering. Nobody can liberate us, as long as we don’t liberate ourselves.
My friend Murali says, “only hunger and illness are the real pains and except them, everything else is imaginary. “ I am yet become so dispassionate!
