“After
H1B news, Dowry rates in Andhra/Telangana crashed more than TCS/Infosys shares”
Social
media was flooded with this joke, soon after the declaration by Trump.
Dowry
has been in existence from time immemorial and across all continents.
I
don’t know about other States, but in the South, particularly, Andhra,
Telangana, Tamilnadu and Kerala, it is prevalent, but in different forms.
Dowry
is given in various forms; as hard cash, fixed deposits, gold and diamond ornaments,
silver articles, land and buildings, consumable durables and household
articles.
While
in Tamil Nadu and Kerala, it is mostly in the form of gold, in Andhra and
Telengana, it is mostly cash and sometimes, land and buildings.
The
reason why only those two States are included in the joke is mainly because of
the fact that a significant number of H1 B Visa holders are IT professionals
mainly from these two States and also their bragging about the dowry.
A
friend of mine who had worked in Andhra & Telengana told me once that,
every time he interviewed Telugu speaking candidates, he questioned them about
dowry and he was shocked with their replies.
He
said not even a single person spoke against it.
They justified it by stating that;
·
it was part of their culture,
·
they too pay dowry for their
sisters
·
they have to take care of the
expenses of their respective wives for a life time
·
that’s the best way to get a
suitable partner
·
if they don’t take, they would
be looked down upon
·
after all they have spent a
fortune on their education and getting a job and its time they get back what
they have invested
·
It is considered an elevator
to success.
We are
proud non-conformists. My maternal uncle
refused to accept dowry in 1950’s, the first among the clan to do so.
Those
were the days when dowry and bride price co-existed. Depending on the law of demand and supply,
either dowry or bride price, were decided.
People got married very early and grooms, whose marriage was delayed and
those without regular income or assets and widowers, had to pay a bride price,
which was known as “Kanya Sulkam” to marry.
Available brides were too young and so to have an adult partner, older
men from Telugu speaking areas travelled down South and literally bought wives
from Kerala and Tamil Nadu, where the gender ratio was different and also child
marriage wasn’t prevalent.
My
uncle was a trendsetter of sorts. My
brothers and some of my cousins also refused to accept dowry. My uncle once
even advised me to say “no” to dowry and also refuse to indulge in outdated
rituals in wedding. He died soon after I
finished my studies. I now think how
proud he would have been to see an empowered “me” saying no to many things,
average Indian women long for.
When
my parents were looking for a “suitable boy” for me, we encountered several
funny characters.
During
our meeting sessions with the prospective grooms’ families, while the women
folk were indulged in assessing my height, weight, behavior and attitude, the
men, particularly the patriarch was busy making a valuation of our house and
ascertaining 1/4th of the share, I am likely to get. My Dad was bombarded with questions like
“what is the total area?; what is the buildup area?; what is the ongoing rate
per sq.ft?” etc. Many of our relatives
suggested that, my parents declare to the world the approximate cost they
intend spending on my wedding so as to attract good grooms.
My Dad
once went to Gudiwada, a small town in Andhra, to meet a prospective groom’s
family. The groom was working as a clerk
in a quasi Government co-operative society and was living with his widowed
mother in a dilapidated old tiled house built by his grandfather or his great
grandfather, along with his many uncles and cousins in different portions. His share of the undivided property was a
medium sized room in which he and his mother lived. During the meeting, the broker had told my
Dad that the groom’s family was expecting a dowry of 2 lakhs. That was too much money in the mid 90’s when
a sovereign of gold was approximately Rs.4,500/-. The ongoing dowry rate for a clerk was about
Rs.30,000/-./-.(Yes the grooms are categorized based on their net worth, education,
income, family background, appearance and responsibilities) My Dad was very curious to
find out why an average looking guy with a very poor background wants such a
huge dowry. He was shocked when the broker told him that
the groom had bought a life insurance policy and has been paying premium
regularly. If by chance the groom dies
after marriage, the sum assured anyway would go to his wife and so, he has
decided to collect that money in advance from the bride’s father. Yes. You read it right. He had the audacity
to say this. My Dad decided not to take it further.
Consumerism
has spread into all areas including marriage market and prospective grooms wait
to commit to the bride’s family hoping to get a better bid. A family known to
ours was looking for a bride for their grandson. The guy was working in US and was planning to
visit India for a month and his family released an advertisement and
shortlisted 3 girls. The parents
could not decide on which of them was best and have told all the three families
that a decision would be taken only after the groom lands and if the groom says "yes", within a short period they would have to arrange for a wedding and believe
it or not, all three families agreed to this and even booked halls and paid
advance to service providers for a tentative date given by the groom’s
family. The guy landed and selected a
girl and married her. I don’t how the
other two girls and their families felt about the whole thing. It is certainly beyond my comprehension.
Where
is love and divinity in all these transactions?
It is
not just Telugu families that are crazy about these issues.
A few
years ago, a colleague of mine returned from a tour, depressed. When we asked him the reason, he replied that
during his return journey, members of a marriage troupe were his co-passengers
and though the groom was a school dropout, his new bride was given a dowry of
50 sovereigns of gold by her parents and though my colleague was a graduate,
his in-laws had only gifted his wife 20 sovereigns and also burdened him with marriage
expenses. His self-esteem was very badly affected with this comparison. I and
some of my other colleagues tried to pacify him stating that educated women
hardly wear gold and even if they, the husbands should not value their
“self-worth” based on how much gold their wives hold, but failed
miserably. None of the men around were
convinced. They justified that gifting
of gold was directly proportionate to their worth.
We had
a housekeeping person from Kerala, whose annual income was less than a lakh. He
said he was lucky that he had a son and his friends who were in a similar stratum
and had daughters, had already saved nothing less than 100 sovereigns for each
of the daughters. I wonder what all
people forego to buy so much.
Education,
exposure and even technology couldn’t bring about a change in the mindset of
our people. Very unfortunate.
