DOWRY, THE H1 B OF INDIAN MARRIAGES

“After H1B news, Dowry rates in Andhra/Telangana crashed more than TCS/Infosys shares”

Social media was flooded with this joke, soon after the declaration by Trump.

Dowry has been in existence from time immemorial and across all continents.

I don’t know about other States, but in the South, particularly, Andhra, Telangana, Tamilnadu and Kerala, it is prevalent, but in different forms.

Dowry is given in various forms; as hard cash, fixed deposits, gold and diamond ornaments, silver articles, land and buildings, consumable durables and household articles.

While in Tamil Nadu and Kerala, it is mostly in the form of gold, in Andhra and Telengana, it is mostly cash and sometimes, land and buildings.

The reason why only those two States are included in the joke is mainly because of the fact that a significant number of H1 B Visa holders are IT professionals mainly from these two States and also their bragging about the dowry.

A friend of mine who had worked in Andhra & Telengana told me once that, every time he interviewed Telugu speaking candidates, he questioned them about dowry and he was shocked with their replies.

He said not even a single person spoke against it.  They justified it by stating that;

·         it was part of their culture,

·         they too pay dowry for their sisters

·         they have to take care of the expenses of their respective wives for a life time

·         that’s the best way to get a suitable partner

·         if they don’t take, they would be looked down upon

·         after all they have spent a fortune on their education and getting a job and its time they get back what they have invested

·         It is considered an elevator to success.

We are proud non-conformists.  My maternal uncle refused to accept dowry in 1950’s, the first among the clan to do so.  

Those were the days when dowry and bride price co-existed.  Depending on the law of demand and supply, either dowry or bride price, were decided.  People got married very early and grooms, whose marriage was delayed and those without regular income or assets and widowers, had to pay a bride price, which was known as “Kanya Sulkam” to marry.  Available brides were too young and so to have an adult partner, older men from Telugu speaking areas travelled down South and literally bought wives from Kerala and Tamil Nadu, where the gender ratio was different and also child marriage wasn’t prevalent.  

My uncle was a trendsetter of sorts.  My brothers and some of my cousins also refused to accept dowry. My uncle once even advised me to say “no” to dowry and also refuse to indulge in outdated rituals in wedding.  He died soon after I finished my studies.  I now think how proud he would have been to see an empowered “me” saying no to many things, average Indian women long for.

When my parents were looking for a “suitable boy” for me, we encountered several funny characters.

During our meeting sessions with the prospective grooms’ families, while the women folk were indulged in assessing my height, weight, behavior and attitude, the men, particularly the patriarch was busy making a valuation of our house and ascertaining 1/4^th of the share, I am likely to get.  My Dad was bombarded with questions like “what is the total area?; what is the buildup area?; what is the ongoing rate per sq.ft?” etc.  Many of our relatives suggested that, my parents declare to the world the approximate cost they intend spending on my wedding so as to attract good grooms. 

My Dad once went to Gudiwada, a small town in Andhra, to meet a prospective groom’s family.  The groom was working as a clerk in a quasi Government co-operative society and was living with his widowed mother in a dilapidated old tiled house built by his grandfather or his great grandfather, along with his many uncles and cousins in different portions.  His share of the undivided property was a medium sized room in which he and his mother lived.  During the meeting, the broker had told my Dad that the groom’s family was expecting a dowry of 2 lakhs.  That was too much money in the mid 90’s when a sovereign of gold was approximately Rs.4,500/-.  The ongoing dowry rate for a clerk was about Rs.30,000/-./-.(Yes the grooms are categorized based on their net worth, education, income, family background, appearance and responsibilities)  My Dad was very curious to find out why an average looking guy with a very poor background wants such a huge dowry.   He was shocked when the broker told him that the groom had bought a life insurance policy and has been paying premium regularly.  If by chance the groom dies after marriage, the sum assured anyway would go to his wife and so, he has decided to collect that money in advance from the bride’s father.  Yes. You read it right. He had the audacity to say this. My Dad decided not to take it further.

Consumerism has spread into all areas including marriage market and prospective grooms wait to commit to the bride’s family hoping to get a better bid. A family known to ours was looking for a bride for their grandson.  The guy was working in US and was planning to visit India for a month and his family released an advertisement and shortlisted 3 girls.  The parents could not decide on which of them was best and have told all the three families that a decision would be taken only after the groom lands and if the groom says "yes", within a short period they would have to arrange for a wedding and believe it or not, all three families agreed to this and even booked halls and paid advance to service providers for a tentative date given by the groom’s family.  The guy landed and selected a girl and married her.  I don’t how the other two girls and their families felt about the whole thing.  It is certainly beyond my comprehension.

Where is love and divinity in all these transactions? 

It is not just Telugu families that are crazy about these issues.

A few years ago, a colleague of mine returned from a tour, depressed.  When we asked him the reason, he replied that during his return journey, members of a marriage troupe were his co-passengers and though the groom was a school dropout, his new bride was given a dowry of 50 sovereigns of gold by her parents and though my colleague was a graduate, his in-laws had only gifted his wife 20 sovereigns and also burdened him with marriage expenses. His self-esteem was very badly affected with this comparison. I and some of my other colleagues tried to pacify him stating that educated women hardly wear gold and even if they, the husbands should not value their “self-worth” based on how much gold their wives hold, but failed miserably.  None of the men around were convinced.  They justified that gifting of gold was directly proportionate to their worth.

We had a housekeeping person from Kerala, whose annual income was less than a lakh. He said he was lucky that he had a son and his friends who were in a similar stratum and had daughters, had already saved nothing less than 100 sovereigns for each of the daughters.  I wonder what all people forego to buy so much.

Education, exposure and even technology couldn’t bring about a change in the mindset of our people.  Very unfortunate.