STATUS – SINGLE

“Chehra gora, baal lambe aur ankhein bade” (fair complexion, long hair and large eyes) says Shabana Azmi to a visually challenged Naseeruddin Shah in the Hindi film Sparsh, while discussing the yardsticks of beauty in India.

Many wonder why I have remained single, though I conform to the beauty standards mentioned above.  It is hard for people to believe that I have chosen to remain single.  I can understand the anxiety of my parents, siblings and a few other well wishers, but cannot comprehend the curiosity of others.  Every time I get introduced to a person, inevitably I am questioned about my marital status.  When I took a decision to remain single, I told myself to be prepared to face the music.  It is not just me, who has got bored answering this question, but my family members and some close friends who are constantly grilled about this are fed up.  What surprises me is that my status is discussed with the same intensity of a national calamity.  There is an adage in Telugu which says a person answering automatically becomes a subordinate to the one questioning. Many times out of respect and out of civility, I become a subordinate and answer patiently.

The toughest part is listening to advice sessions. Strangely, the easiest thing in the world is advising and the most difficult; listening to it.  My family and my best friends, who I consider as my extended family, have accepted me for who I am.  But, some of my acquaintances and relatives feel sad that they are unable to influence me. 

In my previous assignment, the Management of the Organization I was working for had arranged for a HR programme for the employees.  The agenda was not discussed with any of the participants before the programme commenced.    The person who conducted the programme is a reputed HR Consultant and a qualified Psychiatrist.  The programme was designed based on the hypothesis that, productivity at work place is directly proportional to harmony at home, particularly marital harmony.  So, the Consultant was hired to set right the marital problems of the employees, thus increasing productivity. After conducting a few games and when the participants were at ease, the Consultant started discussing problems the participants faced at home.  The participants suddenly became uninhibited and started complaining about so many funny problems they experienced at home, which varied from not getting an extra cup of coffee, to domestic violence, to the influence of in-laws on their spouses’ etc.   Suddenly, a colleague of mine asked the Consultant if matrimony and happiness were mutually exclusive.  A friend of this colleague in reference was unmarried and was apparently very happy.  My colleague doubted whether the friend was really happy or was pretending to be happy and asked the Consultant if a person can really be happy by being single.  Many of the participants, including me thought he was referring to me, but when the Consultant asked if that friend was present in the audience, and my colleague said “No”, I was relieved.  I did not want to be the subject of a public debate.  The Consultant did not want to discuss the subject elaborately, as he felt it was irrelevant, but said he was not supportive of some one remaining single, as he felt that, there would be a vacuum in life, because of which there would be no happiness.  When he said this, my colleagues who kept advising me to marry, looked at me with pride.  For average Indians, anything said from a dais over a mike is a gospel.  I thought my colleagues would take my life off me that afternoon.  Several other problems were discussed; many people cried on the Consultant’s shoulder and he offered them solutions instantly.

During the lunch break, my colleagues pounced on me as I had anticipated.  They complained that I don’t take them seriously and quoted what the Consultant had said about singletons and advised me to take him seriously and plan to marry.  Though I had remained a mute spectator throughout the programme as the problems discussed were irrelevant to me, I had listened to every problem that was discussed and analyzed the solutions given by the Consultant.  When a participant, complained about harassment from the society in general and her in-laws in particular about her being childless for several years of her marriage, the Consultant was very empathizing.  He consoled her by stating that, Indians are very conservative and cannot accept the fact that a couple can lead a happy life without procreating and that she has to learn to live happily with her husband, forgetting about what the society and her in-laws say about her condition.  He also told the audience that he was childless, but still leading a happy life.  This was a clear case of subjective thinking.  Taking a clue from this, I argued with my friends.  I told them that the consultant had married at the appropriate time and hence, he didn’t have the experience of being single, but he has managed without children, so he was confident that people can lead life without children.  I told them that solitude was beyond the Consultant’s imagination. They were speechless. 

THE JOY OF GIVING

My most favourite mythological character is Karna.  I don’t know whether it is the screenplay of the Tamil film “Karnan” or a story I read as a young girl that influenced me.  The story goes like this;

A rich man, who is also a connoisseur of art, organizes a Harikatha (a composite art form comprising story telling, poetry, music, dance and philosophy) before an invited audience at his home.  Impressed with the performance, he decides to reward the performer and gets into his room, opens the safe and brings out some gold coins and places them in the tray with the Tamboolam (Betel leaves with areca nuts given to a guest traditionally). Within a few minutes, the host changes his mind and replaces the gold with silver and again silver with a few currency notes.  Observing this and understanding the wavering mind of the host, the performer narrates an episode from the life of Karna, extempore.

A poor Brahmin visits Karna’s palace, seeking alms.  At that time, Karna, who is known for his generosity and righteousness, is massaging his body with oil from a silver bowl.  On seeing the poor man, Karna offers the silver bowl in his left hand, spontaneously.  The Brahmin objects to this and requests Karna to use his right hand for donating, as using the left hand is considered inauspicious.  Karna justifies his stance by stating that the human mind is always wavering and while he changes the bowl to his right hand, there are chances of him changing his mind and refrain from gifting such a precious bowl to a stranger and that gifting/donating should always be spontaneous.

The host having understood the hidden meaning in the story narrated out of context and rewards the performer with gold, as planned originally.

Giving results in joy for both the parties concerned.  I thoroughly enjoy giving or rather sharing.  I was induced into this activity mainly by two persons; i) my neighbour’s father and ii) my father’s friend’s wife.

My neighbour’s father “Tatagaru” (Grandpa) as we all addressed him was a farmer, who shifted from his native village in coastal Andhra to Madras with his only son, who was into publishing and film production.  The son established his office in the first floor of his residence.  Those were the pre-computer days and all manuscripts were written by hand and composing was done manually and there was a significant wastage of stationery in both the publication and film production departments. Tatagaru visited the office every evening after office hours and salvaged one sided papers, small pencils, pens, refills etc from the bins.  He sorted out the one sided papers and made note pads with them.  He sharpened the pencils, changed nibs or caps for ink pens and took all these and waited outside the gate of a nearby public school.  The students, most of them from lower middle class gathered around him to collect the scrap note pads, used pencils and pens from Tatagaru.  Tatagaru also filled his pockets with toffees, candies and pepper mints every time he stepped out of the house and was chased by young children on the road with raised hands shouting “Tata Tata” expecting to receive the goodies and Tatagaru happily gave it to them.  I saw the “joy of giving” in his eyes.

The other person who inspired me is my father’s friend’s wife.  She never sent any visitor to her home empty handed.  When I went with my father to their house as a small girl, she gifted me a few hair clips and a pack of kerchiefs, which I preserved for a long time.  I enjoyed receiving them from her and I decided I would spread the joy I experienced, to the people around me.

I love to see the sparkle in the eyes of people while they receive gifts from me.

Though I have never discussed “Karna” with my parents, they are worried that, I would emulate him.  My parents, particularly my mother doesn’t approve my spending on gifts.  She feels that, I am suffering from some compulsive disorder and just the way Lord Indra and Lord Krishna took away the Kavacha Kundalas (Body armour) and the Punya Phalam (fruit of good deeds) in disguise and tricked Karna into losing the battle with Pandavas, I would be exploited and that I should be adequately protected. 

Her fears are based on a preconceived notion and are not correct.  In fact, I receive more gifts than I give, many times more valuable.  Gifting is contagious and I have initiated many into it.  In the past few years, I have not purchased any clothes for myself.  I didn’t feel the need, as I have received several as gifts.

When we gift, we need to keep in mind, the sentiment and dignity of the person receiving the gift.  One should ensure that the person receiving should not be made to feel small or hurt by our gesture.  One should also not discuss the details or boast about the gifts with others or as a matter of fact, speak about it to the recipient of the gift.  An aunt of mine had once gifted an alarm clock to another aunt and for several years, every time they met, the aunt who gifted the clock enquired about the working condition and its utility, forcing my other aunt to take an oath never again to accept gifts.

Whenever my mother advices me to stop gifting without an occasion, I tell her that there is only one occasion when one can neither give nor take i.e., when one leaves this world.  All of us leave this world empty handed.  All exchanges have to take place before that.  I sympathize with the tightfisted persons, as I feel they are missing the joy of giving.

I always pray that I have enough to share with my loved ones.

Bless me!