STATUS – SINGLE

“Chehra gora, baal lambe aur ankhein bade” (fair complexion, long hair and large eyes) says Shabana Azmi to a visually challenged Naseeruddin Shah in the Hindi film Sparsh, while discussing the yardsticks of beauty in India.

Many wonder why I have remained single, though I conform to the beauty standards mentioned above.  It is hard for people to believe that I have chosen to remain single.  I can understand the anxiety of my parents, siblings and a few other well wishers, but cannot comprehend the curiosity of others.  Every time I get introduced to a person, inevitably I am questioned about my marital status.  When I took a decision to remain single, I told myself to be prepared to face the music.  It is not just me, who has got bored answering this question, but my family members and some close friends who are constantly grilled about this are fed up.  What surprises me is that my status is discussed with the same intensity of a national calamity.  There is an adage in Telugu which says a person answering automatically becomes a subordinate to the one questioning. Many times out of respect and out of civility, I become a subordinate and answer patiently.

The toughest part is listening to advice sessions. Strangely, the easiest thing in the world is advising and the most difficult; listening to it.  My family and my best friends, who I consider as my extended family, have accepted me for who I am.  But, some of my acquaintances and relatives feel sad that they are unable to influence me. 

In my previous assignment, the Management of the Organization I was working for had arranged for a HR programme for the employees.  The agenda was not discussed with any of the participants before the programme commenced.    The person who conducted the programme is a reputed HR Consultant and a qualified Psychiatrist.  The programme was designed based on the hypothesis that, productivity at work place is directly proportional to harmony at home, particularly marital harmony.  So, the Consultant was hired to set right the marital problems of the employees, thus increasing productivity. After conducting a few games and when the participants were at ease, the Consultant started discussing problems the participants faced at home.  The participants suddenly became uninhibited and started complaining about so many funny problems they experienced at home, which varied from not getting an extra cup of coffee, to domestic violence, to the influence of in-laws on their spouses’ etc.   Suddenly, a colleague of mine asked the Consultant if matrimony and happiness were mutually exclusive.  A friend of this colleague in reference was unmarried and was apparently very happy.  My colleague doubted whether the friend was really happy or was pretending to be happy and asked the Consultant if a person can really be happy by being single.  Many of the participants, including me thought he was referring to me, but when the Consultant asked if that friend was present in the audience, and my colleague said “No”, I was relieved.  I did not want to be the subject of a public debate.  The Consultant did not want to discuss the subject elaborately, as he felt it was irrelevant, but said he was not supportive of some one remaining single, as he felt that, there would be a vacuum in life, because of which there would be no happiness.  When he said this, my colleagues who kept advising me to marry, looked at me with pride.  For average Indians, anything said from a dais over a mike is a gospel.  I thought my colleagues would take my life off me that afternoon.  Several other problems were discussed; many people cried on the Consultant’s shoulder and he offered them solutions instantly.

During the lunch break, my colleagues pounced on me as I had anticipated.  They complained that I don’t take them seriously and quoted what the Consultant had said about singletons and advised me to take him seriously and plan to marry.  Though I had remained a mute spectator throughout the programme as the problems discussed were irrelevant to me, I had listened to every problem that was discussed and analyzed the solutions given by the Consultant.  When a participant, complained about harassment from the society in general and her in-laws in particular about her being childless for several years of her marriage, the Consultant was very empathizing.  He consoled her by stating that, Indians are very conservative and cannot accept the fact that a couple can lead a happy life without procreating and that she has to learn to live happily with her husband, forgetting about what the society and her in-laws say about her condition.  He also told the audience that he was childless, but still leading a happy life.  This was a clear case of subjective thinking.  Taking a clue from this, I argued with my friends.  I told them that the consultant had married at the appropriate time and hence, he didn’t have the experience of being single, but he has managed without children, so he was confident that people can lead life without children.  I told them that solitude was beyond the Consultant’s imagination. They were speechless.