REMOTE CONTROL

After a long time, I traveled by bus due to incessant rains and the resultant flooding of roads.  A good looking, young North Indian lady sat next to me. From her body language I could make out that she too is not used to the public transport.  The bus was fully packed and there was a bad traffic jam and the bus moved very slowly.  The lady seated next to me picked up her phone and started a conversation.  Under ideal situations, when someone is discussing personal issues, I would excuse myself.  But the situation on that day was different.  I tried hard to think about something else and not listen to her conversation, but I failed and I overheard her conversation.  It is certainly not fair to discuss someone else’s troubles and that too on a blog.  But I am sure what she was discussing was not unique to her.  It can happen to anybody and so I thought I should write about it.

From what I overheard and understood, she is recently married.  Both the lady and her husband are software engineers employed in Chennai.  The lady and her husband went to watch a film a few days back and kept their phones on a silent mode.  The lady’s mother-in-law tried calling the lady’s husband several times and when he did not respond, tried to reach this lady in reference.  When she too had not responded, she tried calling some relatives and friends and all of them tried calling these two people and when there was no response, the lady’s mother-in-law called the lady’s mother and learnt that the couple has gone to watch a film. (The lady’s mother had called just before the couple entered the theatre and so she was informed.)  During the interval, the lady’s husband saw several missed calls on the phone and called his mother to check if everything was fine.  His mother was very upset that the couple had gone to watch a film without informing her and for not responding to her calls.  (If you assume that the couple in reference is from a joint family, you are mistaken.  The parents are living in a small town in North India and the young couple in Chennai.)

  

The mother-in-law on coming to know about the unusual Chennai monsoon and flooding tried calling her son on that fateful day and when both the son and the daughter-in-law had not picked up the phones, she panicked.    Offended by the fact that the lady’s mother had more information about the couple, the mother-in-law became hysteric and started fighting with her son on the phone.  The son tried to pacify the mother, but failed miserably.  Through his father and sister, the lady’s husband learnt that his mother was very angry that his wife had not bothered to apologize and as a protest has locked herself in a room and refusing food and threatening to commit suicide. 

The young lady, who had a cosmopolitan upbringing, is shocked with the developments.  Her husband wanted her to fly with him to his parents’ home to calm his mother.  When she refused, he is upset and withdrawn.  The young lady is stressed.  Her husband is stressed and so are his parents and other family members.  The lady literally cried in the bus as she spoke to her relative/friend on the phone and strangers sitting around had to console her. 

This kind of problem is unique to India. 

In ancient times, human beings were nomadic and always flocked together, as they had to protect themselves from nature and wild animals.  I think it is the same fear factor that has resulted in joint family system in India.  After India attained independence, with industrialization and  economic development, people who were till then dependent on traditional jobs, starting migrating in search of greener pastures resulting in disintegration of the joint family system.  IT revolution galvanized the process further.  The older generation, unable to come to terms with the new found freedom of their children tries to hold them tight by other ways and means.  It is their sense of insecurity that results in the bad behaviour and harassment.  I do agree that they stretch a lot to raise their children.  Does that mean that they have to control them for a life time?

I was very shocked with this episode and I discussed it with my friend.  I had never thought that such behaviour is prevalent in the upper middle and elite classes. My friend narrated his experience.  Several years ago, my friend, visited a clinic near his home late in the evening with his young son, who was unwell.  The clinic was run by a Doctor couple.  Though the clinic was open, the Doctors were not available.  When my friend questioned the compounder present at the clinic as to why the clinic was not closed when the Doctors were not available, the compounder replied that the Doctors had gone to watch a film without the knowledge of the mother-in-law and the clinic was kept open to attend to the phone call the mother-in-law is likely to make.  (Please note, there were no mobile phones then) My friend amused with the reply asked, “What excuse would you offer if you get a call now?”  To this the compounder replied, “I will tell that they have gone to attend to an emergency case”.  I am quoting this just to explain how parents chase their children and how children manipulate things.

I really don’t understand why grownup children have to be leashed?  Somehow, this reminds me of the famous story “The Blind Dog” by R.K.Narayan, which illustrates a regrettable, yet a realistic dilemma of freedom vs. necessity.  In the story, when a blind man binds a dog with leash, a desire for freedom makes the dog run away.  However, with no food, the dog returns to the blind man.  The case is similar to many Indian homes, where the parents like the blind man are dependent on their children and the children long for freedom, but return to parents for emotional and financial reasons.

I have a question to the parents:  Why can’t there be a peaceful coexistence? You always quote from the scriptures and expect your son to be like Lord Rama who went to exile as ordered by his father without questioning.  Are you aware that as per the scriptures there are four stages in life viz., Brahmacharyam, Grihasthasramam, Vanaprastham and Sanyasam? How many of you are ready to accept Vanaprastham and Sanyasam?

No two generations are the same and please accept change.  Don’t suffocate your loved ones.  I know it is very difficult to let go things.  Please note plants do not grow well under a shady tree.  Let your children experiment, make mistakes and learn from their mistakes.  Why should adults be treated like kids?  Give them their space, independence and dignity.

A few suggestions for children: I don’t at all suggest that parents have to be abandoned or ignored or insulted.  Please handle them.  Handle them with dignity and respect and don’t forget your self-respect in the process.  Please do not surrender.  By surrendering, you cannot satisfy them.  Don’t let them chase you.  Reach out to them.  Reassure that you love them and that you are there for them.  Provide information proactively.  Never discuss trivial matters in detail.  Don’t let them decide on your behalf.  Never encourage bad and uncivil behaviour.  Don’t yield to control games and succumb to emotional blackmail.  Be empathetic and explain to them calmly when there is a difference of opinion.

Take charge of your life.  Sooner, the better it is.

Life is so precious; why should it be lived so badly?

P.S. Children - when you grow older, read the suggestions for the parents.