Recently
I visited my friends’ home and during our conversation, the hosts (a couple)
expressed their displeasure about a common friend who sought the couple’s help
during a crisis and has not bothered to acknowledge/reciprocate their gesture. This has affected them very much.
It happens to all of us. At some point or
the other in our lives, we feel “exploited” and “used & thrown” by our
friends and relatives. While it is a
fact that some people are opportunistic, there is another dimension to this
problem, which we ignore.
While
we happily help strangers, feel good about our work, pat ourselves for being Good Samaritans and forget the episode,
we perceive help rendered to family and friends differently. We treat it like an accounting entry, where
there is a debit for every credit transaction and create a suspense account for
‘help receivable’ at a later date and eagerly wait for “Return on
Investment”. When we don’t get the
expected returns we feel sad and disillusioned.
In
the English film 36 Chowringhee Lane,
an old English teacher on the verge of her retirement, lives a reclusive and
uneventful life. A chance meeting with
an old student brings vibrancy to her life.
The student requests the lady to let the student’s friend; an upcoming
writer, to use her apartment during the day when she is at school, for working
on his project. The lady agrees and the
student and the writer (also the boyfriend) use the lady’s apartment to spend
time together under the pretext of writing a book. The naïve lady showers love on the young
couple and keeps in touch with them even after they marry and settle down. The young couple avoids the lady, which she
fails to understand and when she understands, she is shattered.
When
I decided to remain single, the image that flashed in my mind was that of,
Jennifer Kendal's, who played the protagonist in this film. When I first watched the film as a young
girl, I felt sad for the lonely spinster, but as an adult, I feel she need not
have invested so much of her emotions on some random acquaintances and made up
my mind never to live like this character and feel exploited.
Whenever
someone complains or discusses this issue and I suggest that he/she looks at
the problem differently, he/she feels that I am good at preaching. But,
honestly, I practice what I preach. My
formula for handling this is;
I help people around me as much as
possible, which gives me a sense of purpose and satisfaction, but at the same
time, I ensure that I don’t go out of my way to help by compromising on my
values or sacrificing my needs and I also don’t let people take me for granted.
I try my best not to speak about it to
anyone else and do not expect acknowledgement.
When I need help, I seek help and not
demand help even if it is from a person whom I have helped earlier and express
my gratitude for the help received.
Passing judgments may not be
correct. But it is essential that we
know to judge people and are alert.
