EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT

Recently I visited my friends’ home and during our conversation, the hosts (a couple) expressed their displeasure about a common friend who sought the couple’s help during a crisis and has not bothered to acknowledge/reciprocate their gesture. This has affected them very much. 

It happens to all of us.  At some point or the other in our lives, we feel “exploited” and “used & thrown” by our friends and relatives.  While it is a fact that some people are opportunistic, there is another dimension to this problem, which we ignore.

While we happily help strangers, feel good about our work, pat ourselves for being Good Samaritans and forget the episode, we perceive help rendered to family and friends differently.  We treat it like an accounting entry, where there is a debit for every credit transaction and create a suspense account for ‘help receivable’ at a later date and eagerly wait for “Return on Investment”.  When we don’t get the expected returns we feel sad and disillusioned.

In the English film 36 Chowringhee Lane, an old English teacher on the verge of her retirement, lives a reclusive and uneventful life.  A chance meeting with an old student brings vibrancy to her life.  The student requests the lady to let the student’s friend; an upcoming writer, to use her apartment during the day when she is at school, for working on his project.  The lady agrees and the student and the writer (also the boyfriend) use the lady’s apartment to spend time together under the pretext of writing a book.  The naïve lady showers love on the young couple and keeps in touch with them even after they marry and settle down.  The young couple avoids the lady, which she fails to understand and when she understands, she is shattered.  

When I decided to remain single, the image that flashed in my mind was that of, Jennifer Kendal's, who played the protagonist in this film.  When I first watched the film as a young girl, I felt sad for the lonely spinster, but as an adult, I feel she need not have invested so much of her emotions on some random acquaintances and made up my mind never to live like this character and feel exploited.

Whenever someone complains or discusses this issue and I suggest that he/she looks at the problem differently, he/she feels that I am good at preaching. But, honestly, I practice what I preach.  My formula for handling this is;

I help people around me as much as possible, which gives me a sense of purpose and satisfaction, but at the same time, I ensure that I don’t go out of my way to help by compromising on my values or sacrificing my needs and I also don’t let people take me for granted.

I try my best not to speak about it to anyone else and do not expect acknowledgement.

When I need help, I seek help and not demand help even if it is from a person whom I have helped earlier and express my gratitude for the help received.

Passing judgments may not be correct.  But it is essential that we know to judge people and are alert.

Believe it or not I get rewarded exponentially!