It’s not a SHE, but a HE!

Recently when I visited a friend, my friend and my friend’s spouse, gave me a lot of gifts. 

My eight year old nephew, pointing to the gifts asked me; “who gave these to you?”

I replied; “my friend”. 

“What’s her name?” he asked.

“His name is __” I replied.

Assuming that, I made a grammatical mistake, he asked; “not his, her”.

I patiently replied once again and he sheepishly asked; “it’s not a she, but a he?”

 I said “Yes”. 

My reply evoked a naughty smile on his face and he said, “whenever I talk to girls in my class know, my friends tease me by asking if that girl I am talking to is my girlfriend” and with both sarcasm and envy he asked; “is he your boyfriend?” to which I replied; “he is a friend being a boy and not a boyfriend.” My nephew is of course too young to understand the difference, but sadly even adults don’t understand it.

In a recent talk show in a popular Tamil TV channel, the topic for discussion was “male friends”. 

My nephew’s inquisitiveness and the talk show made me introspect.

My best friends are all boys or rather men.  Why men? 

Right from my childhood, I spent more time with my Dad than my mother.  Like the pug in the hutch (vodaphone) advertisement, I literally followed my Dad, wherever he went.  This exposure during my formative years helped me in shedding inhibitions about the opposite gender.  In a way I am gender- blind.    I perceive every person I meet as a human being.

While I was growing up, there were too many restrictions at home.  My brothers were very protective and there were strict “dos and don’ts”.  I and my sister were not allowed to play outside our home, not allowed to speak to any boys or men and were never allowed to leave home alone.  After our 5^th standard, we were sent to an all girls’ school and subsequently to a women’s college.  I was honestly very sad about this.  But my brothers were very scared of our security and we could not do much about it. 

When I started working, the office scenario was no different from my home. There was a Janana and a Mardana in office too.  (Sounds unbelievable, but true!) I hated the harem kind of atmosphere, but slowly things changed and I met my best friends there.

Though my family members were familiar with many of my colleagues’ names, they were not aware of my friendships for a long time.  Once I fell sick and didn’t go for work and there were several phone calls from my office.  I didn’t have a mobile, so all calls landed on our landline.  When the seventh or eighth call was from our operator, my brother remarked; “for a change there is a lady on the line”. 

One main reason for my association with men was the fact that, I was not happy with the women around me and could not relate to them.  The topics they discussed irritated me very much.  Irrespective of the educational qualifications and the posts they held in office, they gossiped non-stop.  I am certainly not a saint, but I was not finding their gossip interesting.  The topics of discussion were always mother-in-law, sister-in-law, jewels, manipulations and controls.  There was no rationality or logic in their beliefs and I could not associate with them at all.  On the contrary, the men around me were more learned and their behavior was refined and discussions with them were more gratifying. 

I had a colleague, who, like me, continued with his studies simultaneously while working.  The difference was; he was focused.  If not for him, I would not have done my MBA.  He not only got the application for the course, but guided me completely about the course, including the permutation and combination of the subjects I had to choose and the order.  He designed it in such a way that, if at some point, I discontinued, I would still have finished a diploma or two.  He also lent me several books and also helped me while doing the assignments.  He went abroad by the time I had to do my project and I missed him very badly.

When I started working, I was very sensitive and disapproval from anybody caused pain.  I have always been a good performer and my appraisals and increments are always good.  There was more jealousy than professionalism at workplace and it resulted in harassment; directly and in disguise.  I could not handle it at all.  My friend counseled me and helped me to overcome the crisis.  I started looking at the world from a totally different perspective, thanks to him.   He is a very religious person and I am agnostic.  But I should acknowledge that my association with him has enriched me spiritually too.  When I decided to remain single and declared it to the people around me, each person reacted in a different manner.  Many advised me, but the best advice I have ever received is from my friend who said something like this; “By refusing to marry, you are denying yourself certain pleasures in life, but don’t deny yourself all other pleasures of life.  Irrespective of your marital status, you should remain the centre of your universe and never forget this.  Also, you may not be a welcome guest in many homes, so please don’t impose yourself on anybody and feel rejected.”  What an honest and timely advice?  My friend whom I refer to as my Friend, Philosopher and Guide has been guiding me for years and without consulting him, I don’t take any major decisions.

My parents have taught me to save, but I did not know much about investments.  A friend of mine, a chartered accountant by profession, initiated me into safe investments.  He taught me the nuances of income tax and savings to minimize tax.  Not many people are aware of tax planning and thanks to my friend I too have started guiding people around me.

There was one guy who worked with me very briefly.  He was the one who gave me the idea of investing in real estate.  Till I met him, I never thought of buying a house and was happy investing in liquid assets.  He took details of my income and expenditure and arrived at an amount I could save every month, if I would cut down on expenditure, and detailed the different loan facilities and the procedure to avail them.  When I was apprehensive, he motivated me by saying that borrowing is nothing but converting a present liability into a future asset.   Motivated by his advice, after a few years, I bought a flat, the value of which within a span of five years has almost doubled. When I bought the house, I thought of him very much, but I didn’t have his contact, so could not personally acknowledge.

I have a friend, who is very genuinely affectionate.  We are chalk and cheese and everyone known to us wonders as to what is common between us and how we manage to continue being friends.  He too, like many of my other friends, was a colleague.  Though I never reported to him or worked under him, I consider him my mentor. He too, influenced my perspective on many things in life.   Primarily, he helped me to become assertive.  He got me out of my shell and taught me to take charge of my life and handle tough situations.    If not for my friend, I would never have learnt it. He not only initiated me into serious reading, but also writing. My communication too improved. I have become more sophisticated after we became friends and I attribute my broad-mindedness to him.  My dear friend continues to be a guiding force.

There are so many other friends who regularly keep in touch and offer help in times of need. When my dad underwent a surgery and needed blood, many of my friends donated blood. When I was looking for a change in my job, many of my friends tried to get me a job through their contacts.  My parents, who were initially skeptical about my male friends, are now convinced that they are harmless and are genuinely affectionate. 

Though because of the age gap and out of respect, I address some friends as “Anna” or “Bhai”, I honestly don’t like to address every male friend as a brother, just to prove to the world that I share a platonic relationship with them.  Friends are friends and they have their own special slot. 

My friends are scattered across the globe and once in a while call me.  I make it a point to call my friends on their birthdays and anniversaries and if by chance I fail, they call to check if all is well at my end. Despite all the independent thinking and a progressive attitude, I am still a conservative and I don’t party or hangout with my male friends.  Technology has helped us to maintain our friendship.  I don’t know if I have added any value to my friends’ lives, but they have all and they will remain special to me, forever.